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The CC - The Self-Help Trap: When Improving Keeps You Stuck
The Self-Help Trap: When Improving Keeps You StuckIn the late 1990’s our RaceFace manager and I went out for a beer after the Eurobike show in Germany. He was very self-focused, a disciplined leader with a very competitive view of the world. I’ll never forget his response when I asked him, “Do you treat all your business and social relationships as competition?” "It’s the only way.” he responded, with just an off-hand wave. “It’s a contest in which I intend to succeed. Others will inevitably fail. And some will fail quite spectacularly." I didn't know what to say, I just felt sad for him. Recently, my friend Matthew sent me a link to Tim Ferriss’ blog called The Self Help Trap. He texted, “This has some parallels to your writing at the moment.” Tim Ferriss had an analogy from soccer to describe his recent move beyond “self-help”, to what he calls “self-transendence”. It’s the act of going beyond an exclusive focus on personal needs to connecting with and serving something greater. "You want to play soccer… but first you’re going to read all the textbooks… get a PhD in soccer… practice by yourself… and become perfect before you ever play the game. But none of this is actually playing the game of soccer. You can spend your whole life preparing for, instead of playing, the game of life." Two of my valuable friends, Rob and Matthew, arranged to meet for lunch downtown. We decided not to focus on business. Instead we discussed “transcendence”, moving on from a self-help focus to something that includes others. And how it actually plays out in our lives. Rob commented, "Sometimes I feel that ‘doing the work’ of self-help makes me more guilty, self-absorbed.” He continued, “My inability to control my poor impulses and life’s burdens seems too much for self-help to handle.” “Yeah,” Matthew broke in, “You’re improving by always polishing the self; that’s the illusion of self improvement. But here’s what’s surprising to me: when I leave my self-focused needs, and enter the play world of my four-year-old son, I can find some personal healing and wholeness.” “When I shift from worrying about how I improve myself to how I show up for others, most of this unease resolves itself. We could feel the energy in Rob’s voice as he spoke, “I stopped staring at myself as a problem to be solved and started seeing myself as a cherished child of a most loving creator.” I’d like to do a thought experiment with you. Here’s the scenario: Twenty-five years in the past, how did you think about yourself and how did you contribute to others? Then from your present reality, project forward 25 years. What would your future self ask you? Let me give you a demo. Here’s my version:
Over lunch, Matt, Rob and I reflected on raising up what could be called our "transcendent self”. How do we choose the others’ good? Strong self control has to be paired with yielding control and entrusting our lives to those we love. Self-transcendence isn’t the absence of self-discipline. It's a reorientation away from spending time managing ourselves, and toward investing in relationships. Who in your life would feel the difference if you stopped working on yourself, and started showing up for them? I would love to connect with you on LinkedIn or Facebook See you next week, Grayson Did someone forward you this email? Get weekly reflections straight to your inbox by subscribing to The Compassionate Competitor. Want to share this issue via text, social media, or email? Just copy and paste this link: [ARCHIVE URL GOES HERE] |
Grayson Bain
Join us if you're yearning for business insights peppered with adventure, humanity, and a dash of humility. It’s more than success; it’s about significance.
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