The Self-Help Trap: When Improving Keeps You Stuck

In the late 1990’s our RaceFace manager and I went out for a beer after the Eurobike show in Germany. He was very self-focused, a disciplined leader with a very competitive view of the world.

I’ll never forget his response when I asked him, “Do you treat all your business and social relationships as competition?”

"It’s the only way.” he responded, with just an off-hand wave. “It’s a contest in which I intend to succeed. Others will inevitably fail. And some will fail quite spectacularly."

I didn't know what to say, I just felt sad for him.

Recently, my friend Matthew sent me a link to Tim Ferriss’ blog called The Self Help Trap. He texted, “This has some parallels to your writing at the moment.”

Tim Ferriss had an analogy from soccer to describe his recent move beyond “self-help”, to what he calls “self-transendence”. It’s the act of going beyond an exclusive focus on personal needs to connecting with and serving something greater.

Two of my valuable friends, Rob and Matthew, arranged to meet for lunch downtown. We decided not to focus on business. Instead we discussed “transcendence”, moving on from a self-help focus to something that includes others. And how it actually plays out in our lives.

Rob commented, "Sometimes I feel that ‘doing the work’ of self-help makes me more guilty, self-absorbed.”

He continued, “My inability to control my poor impulses and life’s burdens seems too much for self-help to handle.”

“Yeah,” Matthew broke in, “You’re improving by always polishing the self; that’s the illusion of self improvement. But here’s what’s surprising to me: when I leave my self-focused needs, and enter the play world of my four-year-old son, I can find some personal healing and wholeness.”

“When I shift from worrying about how I improve myself to how I show up for others, most of this unease resolves itself. We could feel the energy in Rob’s voice as he spoke, “I stopped staring at myself as a problem to be solved and started seeing myself as a cherished child of a most loving creator.”

I’d like to do a thought experiment with you. Here’s the scenario:

Twenty-five years in the past, how did you think about yourself and how did you contribute to others? Then from your present reality, project forward 25 years. What would your future self ask you?

Let me give you a demo. Here’s my version:

• If I look back to Grayson at 47, I was consumed by a religious belief that required me to discipline myself. Critical in this was to have “right” relationships with God and people. Though I tried hard, my lack of confidence, my weak internal “Grayson” always needed to be bolstered up. Reaching out to others was always framed by how my internal self was helped. I kept returning to solo soccer.
• Now, if I look ahead 25 years, it won’t really matter how much I’ve self-improved as a 97 year-old! But in the present, giving away my skills, and experience, simply leaning in to listen, builds a transcendent treasure in myself and others.

Over lunch, Matt, Rob and I reflected on raising up what could be called our "transcendent self”. How do we choose the others’ good? Strong self control has to be paired with yielding control and entrusting our lives to those we love.

Self-transcendence isn’t the absence of self-discipline. It's a reorientation away from spending time managing ourselves, and toward investing in relationships.

Who in your life would feel the difference if you stopped working on yourself, and started showing up for them?

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I would love to connect with you on LinkedIn or Facebook​

See you next week,

Grayson

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