Do feelings give meaning to my life? Meh.

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Do.
For most of my working life, I lived for projects, decisions and actions. Time used to be my most valuable asset; measured against outcomes.

Do.
Now time drags. What do I really need to get done this week? It’s not much. I catch myself seeking the stress of a decision, searching for meaning to fill the gaps in my day. One part of me reaches out to grab a new challenge, a new ‘to do.’ Another part sits back and wonders if this is the chance to just ‘feel.’

Feel.
I feel pride in what I’ve built and uncertainty about what I now contribute. I’ve had many feelings of importance, and now of insignificance. And I get lost somewhere in the middle, trying to find a balance between the two.

Feel.
These feelings keep coming. Most days I shove them aside and keep working, but sometimes I turn my head and notice. It feels like I’m unravelling everything I’ve done, looking for the ‘Grayson’ that I hope is somewhere within.

Counseling has helped. So has reading Brené Brown. These are her words on emotions in Daring Greatly: “To feel is to be vulnerable. … To foreclose on our emotional life out of a fear that the costs will be too high – is to walk away from the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living.” But do feelings give meaning to my life? Meh.

Then my counselor urges me, “Hold them in your head, Grayson, and find a name for them.” OK, I’ll try.

A few weeks ago in my Saturday post, instead of pushing down my negative feelings, I let them see daylight. With difficulty, one eye focused on the screen, and the other still patched from recent surgery, I reluctantly pulled my negative emotion of anxiety and fear out of the dark. And I began writing.

My post about fear was the toughest I can remember to write. I guess I became more authentic; and that seems to have resonated with quite a few of you. Communication felt healthier, more honest. Trust deepened.

I wrestle with the question:

What does looking inward feel like? Part of me resists. Yet part of me also senses there’s something in my emotional pain that’s worth exploring.

Like some of you, I don’t really get what it means to ‘be present’ with my feelings. Looking inward feels unnatural. Emotions seem slippery. In my birth family business readings, emotions I’ve believed, can mislead, distort, even point me the wrong way.

But maybe my emotions open a different kind of door. Not the kind I’ve known before — a door into a project or something to ‘do.’

A door into simply noticing, and naming emotions I’ve long dismissed. It’s uncomfortable. But my path through life rarely is.

So here I am, cautiously opening that door, speaking aloud what feels at once eternal and fleeting.

Uneasy,
Yet curious;
I’m unraveling my doing;
To seek for something new in myself.
Maybe this, even today, is the real work.

Question for you:
​Does noticing and accepting your feelings bring you clarity?

Or do you, like me, still feel more at home in reason, decisions, and action?
​

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I would love to connect with you on LinkedIn or Facebook​

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See you next week,

Grayson

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