Shedding My Shell

It’s been over 5 years, but I’m still struggling with how to live without work being the structure that defines my week.

For most of my life, each week had an objective: build, or grow a company. I didn’t have time to think about my “worth” very much. I had my position which provided me with definition, validated by a community around me, with money as my measure.

It’s been a painful process shedding this set of values. These last months I’ve been moving away from paid consulting. I seem to need to shed this also.

I really miss the rhythm more than the actual jobs. Mondays set up the week’s flow, problems that needed solving, people counting on me, and Fridays came with a sense of accomplishment.

This rhythm for the week has always been like my exoskeleton, similar to that of the lowly shrimp. His protective shell is his structural integrity.

The shrimp knows he’s growing and therefore has to split the shell open and break it off. Even though he also knows his new soft and pliable shell makes him vulnerable to predators. Like a shrimp, my old identity has to be cast off, and for now, the new one is uncertain, and I feel exposed.

When I lose the significance of a full week of work, I desperately want to find another productive activity to stick in its place. My thinking says “I need certain things in my week. Regular things to act on at least gives me a form of comfort.”

I’m quite sure there’s something better out there. Certainly it can’t be defined as hanging out in retirement!

Some days this causes a lot of angst. It seems so much aging ends up feeling futile and meaningless. Most don’t say anything, but people at my age, in the search for meaning can come up empty. So they just keep plodding through the weeks.

This is so frustrating; there should be something more.

It’s true, I can’t cycle as far, and my memory is slowing down. But I'm digging around to find if there’s an intentional journey where my “worth” is. I just know it’s no longer about work.

I’m seeking a more authentic identity, the even deeper and truer “Grayson”.

For decades I built companies. Now I’m trying to grasp how to build a life that isn’t measured by them. I can catch glimpses of where my “worth” resides in places like these:

• It’s a secure place, where my family loves me thoroughly.
• I’m surprised, delighted how some of my younger friends invite me for cycling, cold plunges, coffees and adhoc conversations.
• A new shell of “Grayson” emerges in journaling; writing posts, and deeper books.
• In conversations that don’t require a specific outcome.
• And in deliberate quiet mornings of meditation and prayer.

Each morning I still ride up the hill from the Fraser River to the office, and really enjoy this first jolt of fresh ‘old’ air. Then comes the hard part; trying to grasp what will really matter for the day.

I know it's coming: One day I won’t be able to climb that hill. So who will I be when I can’t?

Are you approaching this stage of life? We all need to recognize the shell we’re comfortable in and yet find a way to let it go.

Are you feeling exposed like I do? It’s easy for me to get lost in my own maze of thoughts, bewildered and uncomprehending.

Sharing an email or visit with you may help us both.

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​I would love to connect with you on LinkedIn or Facebook​

See you next week,

Grayson

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