Cultivating Relationships

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I’ve been thinking a lot about brain health lately. About how my mind is like a garden that when cultivated, it flourishes. My brain grows when I invite people to share more deeply in my life.

From a male perspective, I’ll admit this hasn’t always been easy. Like many men, I was taught that strength meant self-reliance, keeping my emotions in check, and not needing much from others. That worked for a while, but now I'm sort of retired, I realize that the viewpoint of my independence is so incomplete.

Harvard researchers spent more than 80 years following men through their lives, and their conclusion couldn’t be clearer: “Social connections are really good for us, and loneliness kills.” People who are closely connected to family, friends, and community are not only happier, they live longer, and their brains stay sharper.

That’s a wake-up call for me - I partly blame my lack of individual interaction on instant messaging and Zoom calls. A couple decades back, connections were more vibrant and intentional. It took more effort to create time for a phone call, craft an email or to visit a friend. Now there’s multiple messages per hour and I hardly notice that each one is an interaction that could be a relationship.

Connections that were alive and nourishing in past decades have declined into quick information sharing. Like weeds creeping into flower beds. Left untended, the soil grows hard, the buds stop appearing, and the beauty dissolves into a tangle of “good enough.”

And here’s the thing: my brain notices, even when I pretend not to. Studies show that social isolation and low-quality connections literally shrink my brain’s capacity. But face-to-face connection, where you have to listen, think with all your attention, and regulate emotions, keeps a brain resilient.

If I want a healthy brain, I need to tend my relationships.

For many men, the danger shows up in our early 60s, 70s. We’ve worked hard, tried to stay fit, but we’ve never tried to stimulate our friendship muscles. Over the decades, you see on the graph what happens as you age. Time spent with children, then coworkers, then even our partner decreases; and time spent alone surges dramatically.

What happens to us men when the shit gets real? When life gets really messy? Calling a friend, inviting a neighbor over, or taking a walk with someone now seems impossible.

I admit to myself: “Occasional messaging is not the stuff that will create rich relationships in my life. But the idea of getting out of my comfort and creating room to be friends….seems weird.”

That confession feels like a little compost – messy, smelly, but also the start of renewal. Like a garden, relationships need turning over. They need fresh air, loosening, and care. The roots are still there; they just need room to grow again.

I need to follow up on relationships that have gone fallow. I’m not going to let them go untended. They’re not just “nice to have”.

They are the very ground of a healthy mind. So here’s my personal desires in tilling the soil of relationships. Maybe some of these will inspire you:

• I have a person that’s been on my mind from many years ago. I need to call them.
• I invited an out of town friend over to cook a meal together. He’s a great chef…hard for my brain since I’m no chef. But maybe that’s the point.
• I was out with a couple guys for a road ride and ice cream. Next time I’ll ask a deeper question instead of settling for small talk.
• If you were to ask me, “How are you all doing?” I may respond, “We’re good, things are great.” But this is just dishonest. If I was being real, I may say: “Yeah, we’re not that great.” And then I’ll show up as my unpolished self.

Maybe we’ve defined strength as success, independence, or self-protection. No wonder we find ourselves lonely, with atrophied brains.

My healthier self is like being with you in a fertile garden. Seeking for the ability to nurture and be nurtured. Having the courage to show up honestly. That’s a kind of brain health worth cultivating.

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I would love to connect with you on LinkedIn or Facebook​

See you next week,

Grayson

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