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The CC - “You Don’t Believe it, Grayson, Do you?”
“You Don’t Believe it, Grayson, Do you?”Allen has a confrontative, angry view that no one else searches as he does. “Everyone thinks it’s garbage. You don’t believe it, Grayson, do you?” My brother has become one of those weird mystical people that seem intent on trying to understand things that feel like bottomless mysteries. He’s a confusing brother to love. I’m disturbed by the dissonance of emotions I feel around Allen. I remember the potential Allen had, and yet in his present condition, he’s not aligned with “reality”, so I could easily be dismissive. But instead I question my own rational, well-formed, self-identity that integrates quite neatly into my Christian spirituality (though I have avoided calling myself that). “If you’re in your mind,” he reminds me, “you gotta get rid of that.” As a doctorate in pharmacology, Allen conducted TB research and clinical trials in countries around the world, and for most of his adult life Allen has been an ardent atheist. Now, in his pursuit of unseen realities he’s on a daily visit to a church or a parish. He walks, sometimes many kilometres, in all kinds of weather to meditate and practice his rituals. What a radical change from his atheist propagation of the supremacy of mind, logic and science! As his PPA* increased, his ability to continue to do drug research dwindled. Strangely, as his communication broke down, he began an all-encompassing pursuit of mysteries despite his fading mind. “You may think I’m garbage… My PPA gets me out of my brain. I’m really low-level now… I used to be up here.” The contradictions that make up so much of who Allen is now, prod me to peer into the mist of what belief is. Is it a transition from trusting the capacity of my brain, to a search of my soul? The more decades I live, the more I find a simplistic view of God hard to believe. But I’m still a believer. Agnostics try to get away with things in the boring reality of doubt. I would rather exist in wonder and curiosity than in the dry factuality of rational thought. I would rather imagine with Allen what he sees and believes. “Grayson, you don’t understand. Nobody understands. The S-O-U-L. I’ve been studying what this thing is, is it God?” I’m not where Allen is at, but I’m no longer as certain where I am, as I used to be. I’m certainly not comfortable having Allen unravel and rebuild my belief. But I’m hopeful to find a more legitimate foundation for my spirituality. Have your beliefs been challenged by life-changing events? What was the trigger for you? I’m always open to talk. *There's also a lot I don't know about Allen’s atypical brain function; his primary progressive aphasia (PPA) has progressed to include frontotemporal lobe dementia. I would love to connect with you on LinkedIn and Facebook See you next week, Grayson Did someone forward you this email? Get weekly reflections straight to your inbox by subscribing to The Compassionate Competitor. Want to share this issue via text, social media, or email? Just copy and paste this link: [ARCHIVE URL GOES HERE] |
Grayson Bain
Join us if you're yearning for business insights peppered with adventure, humanity, and a dash of humility. It’s more than success; it’s about significance.
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My Brother, the Mystic “Good morning Allen, today I’m leaving for Vancouver.” Allen stares, not recognizing me. He mumbles, “I don't know what you're talking about.” I didn’t try further to make him understand. It's best to let him talk about what he wants, usually circular, with a few words on the same topic. “I'm getting broken with my PPA*.” “Hmm.” “It's not possible for me to use my brain, so I'm getting into my soul.” “Into your soul…” I affirm what he’s said. “It's a pushing thing, like...